A disguise of self-deception

Similar to Willow's, a friend of mine and a follower of my blog. I'm watching my calories, I've cut myself off at 600 and I'll be cutting a few more cals off later on and so forth.
I haven't been eating alot lately though. The only times I do eat is whenever I wake up, [Mostly in the after noon] which I eat a small sandwich, maybe a veg on the side and water.

At night, or dinner time, which is mostly about Ten pm for me, I just drink a lot of water till I'm not really hungry. So I know I'm not getting the 600 I set for myself and I am...bloated, meaning I started a few days ago [Sorry fellas]. So I have to be careful either way, I think I should really start this more fully when I'm off and not so bloated.

I went tot he beach last night as well! Ran a mile and walked back, so overall Two miles I went along the beach and drank a lot of water and had one green tea. I really do need to work on a healthier way of eating, at least for me.

Ever get someone who tells you, You are too negative and you nee dot change. Start telling yourself youa re a beautiful person. Stop saying 'I can't' and stop thinking you'll never get a job?
I HATE those kinds of people. What right do you have to sit there and tell me anything like that? So what, I say I can't do something, MAYBE I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT. As for the job thing, Okay I put in a shit ton of applications. Not ONE call back. I've called. I've wanted the jobs. NOTHING. Because One. No Real education. Never finished school - Do I want to finish school? Yes.

But I need a JOB to pay for SCHOOL, and the JOB wants me to have SCHOOLING before anything. See the issue? I'm not negative. I'm realistic, I really dislike overly happy people and overly depressive people. Okay, I sit at the computer, I ENJOY my life when I talk to my friends. Yup. I need a job. Yup I want to got o school. But what force of telling myself IT'LL HAPPEN SOMEHOW, Will it work for me? No. Fuck you.

Don't come in here tleling me you believe you were sent here to my fucking house to tell me and expect me not to laugh in your fucking face. I'm not negative, You don't know SHIT about me.
:3

That's what I had tonight.Not happy, I didn't want to eat anything with meat tonight. Oh well, I can try harder tomorrow. Now I'm about to do 50 sit-ups, and a few other things to help burn off this food. Ugh, I hate it so much. Hate the feeling of food.

It's not that I'm fully on a diet, I just pick days not to eat. I suppose I started this last night. Reading a blog of a friend and I got to thinking, Shit If she's strong enough to do this. I'll go it as well, I just hope she knows I'm not trying to copy her, just more so...Trying to give her support. There should always be a support system.

So overall, I'm ready for this, I suppose I'll really start tomorrow, just have to figure out how to count calories and such. I might just buy a shit ton of fruit and just eat fruit, mostly grapes good for fiber.

I try doing everything he wants me to do, To keep up a pristine image. To have a place to stay. I have to get a job, I'm working on it. I'm 'addicted' to the internet and my cell phone, Well sorry if It's the only real social interaction I get. Me and Him have nothing in common, so why should I stick around and deal with him?

I don't have to and I have no idea why I do, I cry literally most of the time and I have no proper outlet anymore. I need to do things, He doesn't want to do them. I need to get my clothes from my step-dad's He's no help. I cry over my family, he says fuck them. What for? Because they are concerned for me? No one knows this, But fuck I started cutting once again. Swallow little 'scratches' at first so I can blame it on the cat, but there are places like my legs that he never sees that are a war zone. Am I happy I started again?
No, I'm not but it's not like I have anyone to talk to. I have no one who can just sit there and not lie to me - My life is shit, I need to get out off my ass and I need to DO something. No one tells me that, I get nothing...I feel nothing and it's all because of him.

I knew it was too good to last, too 'perfect' to leave me happier in the end. I can't do anything, I've lost my family and friends for this fucker. I'm stuck...I'm hopelessly stuck.

I'm not here to whine or to tell you how much my life sucks, Just sometimes I feel there are some places I can't open up to. A Blog seriously here might not be one of them. Why do I even have this? I don't even know, I tend to type up little diddles of my feelings in word pads or more, and overall I think people should know what I think, how I really feel. Maybe someone could help someone one day.

You can 'troll' me if you like, shit you don't even have to read what I put. Who wants to read the rambles of some fat depressed twenty year old who has no real personal life. No one. Eh...